Tue 19 Aug 2008
Why are my peers in such a rush to get married?
Posted by Emily under Growing up | Tags: divorce, marriageIt’s happening. My peers are getting hitched and pregnant left and right. I am 23. I am not OK with this.
A boy I had a brief mission trip romance with in middle school just had a baby this summer with his wife. In October I will witness one of my best friends since elementary school get married. An elementary school friend got married last year and popped out a baby a few months ago. The boy who took me to his senior prom, who I was always fond of but wouldn’t date me because I wasn’t Catholic, just got married (to a Catholic girl). All these people are my age or one year older, but now there is a round of engagements happening among my younger friends. A high school friend who’s 22 is already married.
I know that back in the day people got married when they were 15, but they also only lived to 45. Now that the average lifespan is around 80, why on earth are people in their very early 20s clamoring to commit to someone for life? It only makes sense if they’re the no-sex-’til-marriage type, and I don’t think I’m friends with any of those. It can’t be the legal benefits. Is it the sparkly ring?
OK, disclaimer: My mom has been engaged four times and married thrice. My dad has been married three times. My parents divorced when I was in the fifth grade and I watched my mom go through another divorce. I’ve definitely seen my fair share of messy relationships, and I don’t have the confidence that marriage is forever.
Sure, I’d love to get married one day if it feels right, but why on earth would I do that now? Yes, I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years and we very well may tie the knot eventually, but there is no reason why I need to make such a life-altering, important, supposedly permanent decision when I am so young and still learning so much about myself. I’m also poor. I want to do a ton of traveling before I really settle down. I’d love to live in the United Kingdom for a few years if not forever.
If I am going to get engaged:
- I want to have lived with that person for at least a year to make sure our idiosycracies don’t drive each other mad.
- I want to make sure we are on the same page financially.
- I want to make sure we are at peace with our religious views, or lack of them.
- I want to make sure we feel the same way about having kids, or not having them.
- I want to make sure we are both mature enough to keep our commitments to each other.
I see friends getting married who aren’t financially independent or haven’t been with that person very long, and it just boggles my mind. If you meet the mortality rate, you may be with this person for SIXTY years. Would it really kill you to wait a few more years, grow up a little, experience the real world a bit longer, and make sure this is really the right decision? I’ve read statistics that the younger you get married, the more likely you are to get divorced. Duh!
Last year The Boston Globe reported that the U.S. divorce rate has actually dropped thanks to people marrying smarter. Less folks are marrying young and more people are living together before getting hitched. I’m not sure how many of my peers are going this route — despite having many friends who aren’t even in a relationship, every day on Facebook there’s a new person announcing their engagement or marriage. But perhaps if this was 50 years ago, I’d be the only person in my social circle not married. I’m just grateful my boyfriend is not in a rush to get married either — his mom has also been divorced three times, and I think he’s more afraid of marriage than I am. It would be pretty awful to be with someone who wanted to get married way before you did.
I understand the point of getting married, I just don’t understand the point in doing it so young. We are still learning so much about ourselves. Life is a journey, but I think you change the most in your 20s — this is when we really figure ourselves out. That’s not to say don’t enjoy a great relationship, but what’s with all this urgency to get so serious? I feel like most of the people I know getting married or engaged are so young, and not possibly mature enough for such a drastic decision. It seems like they’re playing house rather than really getting married. I know I need at least a few more years to really figure out what I want from life before I exchang vows.
Are you equally freaked out as you watch all your peers get hitched or am I just a paranoid child of divorce?
Photos courtesy of Ann Douglas and brtsergio.
August 19th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Too funny! My girlfriend (of almost 3 years, living together for almost 2) and I are having the same sort of discussion. Our two closest couple friends are both in varying stages of engagements and marriage preparations, but we’ve come to the agreement that we don’t want to get married for some time (should things work out). We’ve both got school and careers that we’re still figuring out, and it seems like we’re still developing who we are as individuals. We’re not ready to be put together like that - we’ve got our hairy canine child (with more coming someday) and that’s all we need! Marriage is something to do when we’ve figured out who we want to be.
(Disclaimer: Her parents divorced, mine were high school sweethearts and are having their 24th anniversary this month)
August 23rd, 2008 at 10:18 am
Great post. I know this feeling completely–my best friend was married last year, a lot of the kids I know from high school are engaged, married or pregnant and my cousin is getting married next year! It makes me feel old, but really, I’m only 22. I know I’m not ready to get married yet, either. I want to figure out my career, my life and myself first, too.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:47 am
None of this changes as time goes on, either. I’m 32 and the “pressure” is on…
August 26th, 2008 at 9:42 am
I’m 23 now, and was married about 3 weeks before my 22nd birthday.
Yep, we’re young. And yep, we’re pregnant
And you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I know our situation won’t work for every couple, but Shane and I are at the same stage in life and it’s working so well.
I LOVE being married to him. It’s so much better than I anticipated! And, we lived together beforehand. I’m not sure what it is, but being married is NOT the same as living together. In fact, looking back, living together wasn’t such a good idea.
We love each other more as time goes on.
I enjoy traveling and would love to see different parts of the world. I only want to go if I have my dear hubby with me, though. We’re great travel buddies and I can’t imagine having an adventure of that caliber without him.
Side note: I doubt you’re “poor.” You might be broke, but there’s a big difference between broke and poor (it’s in the head; not in the bank account).
You don’t need money to get married.
Another thing, I’ve read the argument before that people who marry in their 30s have a tougher time adjusting to married life than folks in their 20s.
This is because they’ve had 10+ years of their adult lives being single. Even if you’re in a committed relationship, engaged, or living together, you’re still legally single and it’s different.
There is no set age when it makes sense for everyone to marry. It’s going to be different for everyone.
Personally, I’m glad I married when I did, and I’m glad I’ll be a young mama.